Life on a Cruiser

Disney has opened their Star War: Galactic Starcruiser resort. The reviews have not been ecstatic.

Billed as the ultimate immersive Star Wars experience, the Galactic Starcruiser (centred on its Halcyon hotel) is a top-to-tail recreation of a Star Wars spaceship. During a two-day stay, which costs around £4,500 for a family, guests will be plunged into their very own app-dictated storyline where they’ll be sent on missions, asked to sneak away to clandestine meetings, trained in the art of lightsaber combat and – if they’re lucky – be allowed out into a “climate simulator”, which reports suggest is the only part of the resort where you get to go outside.

“Wait,” you’re thinking. “If this is a mock-up of a spaceship travelling through the darkest recesses of the galaxy, then does that mean that Disney spent millions upon millions of dollars making an incredibly expensive hotel that doesn’t actually have any windows in it?” The answer, obviously, is yes. The hotel rooms all have screens where the windows should be, showing a representation of the inky nothingness of space, but nothing you can crack open in a panic if the air conditioning goes down and the illusion falls away and your throat closes up as you realise that you’ve paid several months’ wages to spend two nights in an airless box.

Or, from SFGate:

Because the hotel itself, called the Halcyon, is supposed to be a luxury cruise ship in space, the biggest complaint is that rooms are small and cramped. Standard rooms have a queen bed, bunk beds and an additional pullout sleep space, which means it is theoretically able to sleep five adults. But most reviews agreed it would feel tight with even three people, especially considering the bathroom only has a single sink. And unlike other luxury hotels, there are no typical amenities like a pool or spa . . .

Many reviews compared the experience to living inside a two-day-long dinner theater show or escape room, and a heavy dose of extroversion will help get over the awkwardness of a room full of adults pretending they’re on an epic mission. 

“You don’t have to do everything,” CNET’s Bridget Carey wrote. “If you don’t participate to some degree, you’ll still see the main general story unfold at the end, but you will be wasting your money.” 

Because the missions come from the app, some didn’t like how much time was spent staring down at their phone. “I come to a theme park or something like this to have fun with friends and not be reading stuff [on my phone],” said Ordinary Adventures vlogger Peter Sciretta.

Or you could, say, go to Paris for a week. It’s cheaper than Disneyland, and France even has a Disneyland!