Avengers (Disassembled)
by wjw on May 5, 2012
I haven’t seen the Avengers movie yet. But I know how I want it to end.
How I want it to end is not with the 35-minute action scene that I know is actually there, the kind where CGI goes toe-to-toe with CGI, and CGI wins. I’ve seen enough of those for a lifetime. Those sorts of scenes just make me long for the days when Bogie would just shoot Major Strasser, and Major Strasser would slump to the floor, and that would be that.
So here’s my ending for The Avengers.
(LOKI and THE AVENGERS meet for their final confrontation on, I dunno, the Empire State Building or someplace.)
LOKI
You may have defeated my extradimensional alien army, but you can’t defeat me! I’m a god! I’m immortal! I can’t be killed!
THOR
Actually, I talked to Odin about that . . . and that’s not exactly true.
LOKI
What do you mean, brother?
THOR
That would be foster brother. Because you’re adopted— you’re not a god, you’re an orphaned fire giant on whom Odin took pity.
[Note clever use of actual Norse mythology.]
IRON MAN
So fire giants can be killed?
THOR
(hefting hammer)
Pretty much.
(Captain America raises his shield. Hawkeye raises his bow. Thor is about to kneecap Loki with Mjollnir when the Hulk charges onto the scene.)
HULK
Hulk . . . pissed off!
(The Hulk rips Loki’s head off and stomps it into the approximate size and shape of a Swedish pancake.)
BLACK WIDOW
Wow. Righteous kill.
(The Hulk begins to morph back into Bruce Banner.)
HAWKEYE
I totally could have done that!
BRUCE BANNER
I’m so ashamed . . .
HAWKEYE
I could be the star of this movie! Really! All you have to do is give me a chance!
IRON MAN
(activates suit radio)
Pepper? Break out the disco ball and put champagne on ice. It’s Party Night at the Stark Mansion!
THOR
(to Iron Man)
You got bimboes on speed dial?
IRON MAN
Oh, dude. You have no idea.
(The Avengers walk off into the sunset of a new day, or something like that. We hear Hawkeye’s voice trailing away.)
HAWKEYE
Really! I could totally be the star of this picture! Just let me take down the supervillain next time! I can do it!
CAPTAIN AMERICA
Yeah, maybe next time we’re facing the Sheriff of Nottingham and Prince John.
(all LAUGH at the wimpy archer’s expense)
HAWKEYE
Aww, guys . . .
THE END
I thought you said you hadn’t seen the movie. . .
How about if it were to end quietly, in a restaurant?
Frost giant, not fire giant…
And not to spoil too much, but yeah, there’s a scene toward to end that echoes some of that.
I’ll bet you loved the end of Bakshi’s WIZARDS.
Chris, the ending was the best part of WIZARDS.
Wrong mythology, Mike! In Norse mythology, Loki was a fire giant, which was mirrored by his chimerical, mutable nature.
In Whedon’s mythology, I dunno. When I went to see the movie, it was sold out.
*cough* In Norse mythology gods weren’t immortal. Thor, Odin and Loki alike are meant to die during the Ragnarok.
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