Reviews Too Late: Twilight

Urban romantic fantasy isn’t really my metier, but I thought I’d catch Twilight on pay per view and check what the zeitgeist has been up to while I wasn’t looking.

Filmed in Pale-O-Vision, Twilight was actually a pretty good movie, as far as that goes. (I mean, it is what it is, you’re not going to learn any profound truths in this film.) The plotline was very straightforward and simple, with no real twists or surprises because you know Edward’s a vampire going in. It’s all like, I’m going to totally stalk this guy until he agrees to bite me, and that’s more or less it. There’s a subplot involving some evil vampires but they exist only as a device to put Bella in jeopardy, because Edward’s too much of a gentleman to do it himself.

The acting was excellent, particularly that of Kristen Stewart as Bella, who gave the proper desperate intensity to her I-don’t-care-if-I-die-or-not-I-want-this-and-I’m-going-to-have-it soulful yearning. Robert Pattinson does a very good James Dean impersonation, down to the bushy hair. Production values were high.

I didn’t swoon, but then it wasn’t aimed at me.

The film excels brilliantly in its use of cliches. Edward’s dialog was beautifully designed to lure young Bella while pretending to keep her at arm’s length. Consider the following lines:

I only said it would be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be.

It means if you’re smart… you’ll stay away from me.

I hate you for making me want you so much.

I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.

You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you.

I wanted to kill you at first. I’ve never wanted a human’s blood so much, before.

You don’t know what you’re saying. You don’t want this.

What if I’m not the hero? What if I’m the bad guy?

I still don’t know if I can control myself.

I’m the world’s most dangerous predator. Everything about me invites you in. My voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that. As if you could outrun me. As if you could fight me off. I’m designed to kill.

Do you trust me?

Wow. What red-blooded adolescent girl wouldn’t totally fall for any broody James Dean-like character who said actually things like that?

(Note to any adolescents or others lacking in worldly experience: When a guy says, “I’m mad, I’m bad, I’m dangerous to know,” guess what? He’s telling the truth! He’s doing you the courtesy of giving you fair warning! Thank him and then run the hell away!

(You’re not going to be The One who’s going to change him. Sticking around means giving him permission to beat you or kill you or pimp you out or whatever else he does to his victims. Run the hell away!

(This has been a public service announcement from the Dating Safety Commission. Thank you.)

But where was I? Oh yeah, Twilight.

It was well done. It was more of a mood than a movie. You could study this film for ways to keep the suspense high when things aren’t actually happening.

And of course if you like moody, swoony romance, particularly involving James Dean, this is absolutely the film for you.